How to Deal with Anger and Unforgiveness Part 2

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. Leviticus 19:17 ESV

In my last posted I stated that the primary motivation in seeking not to hate our neighbor was not because hate produces negative feelings produce bad health. Hating neighbor is a direct violation of God’s command to “love [them] as yourself” (Lev 19:17). Feeling hatred is of concern, but it is only the symptom of a deeper problem. Hate is indeed serious. Unchecked and unbridled hatred is the root of murder (Matt 5:21-22). God aims at the root because once the root has been uprooted then the bad fruit that nourished itself (hateful feelings) from it will eventually wither away. In addition, it is a mistake to confine hating your neighbor to simply harboring animosity towards him. Hating neighbor also includes remaining passive towards him, which I’ll eventually explain. It’s important to remember that God’s command to “not hate your brother in your heart” is not his way of saying that you have no real reason to be angry, but that you’ve been legitimately offended is presupposed. God isn’t saying to you, “You have no reason to be angry so get over it!” Jesus expands upon this very command. We find his explanation in Matthew 18:15.

Jesus says, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault….”

Now, the typical response by someone who has been legitimately offended is to avoid the offending party and inform others either by phone, text messaging, Twitter, Facebook etc. It goes something like this, “Can you believe [insert name here] did [insert offence here]? He/She is such a [insert insulting name here]!” At this point it is gossip. Look at Jesus’ words and notice the word go. Go and do what? Go gossip? Go slander? If you do these things you have fallen for the very trap God warned you about. He said, “do not incur sin because of him” (Lev 19:17) by failing to “reason frankly with” them. It would be at this juncture that you'd go from being an innocent victim to perpetuating the problem and thus incurring guilt because of your own sin. This is what Jesus encourages you to immediately, “go and tell him his fault” (Matt 18:15). Don't take any other route. God's way is different from the typical attitude that says, “I don’t see why I have to be the one to go to them and address the matter. They are the ones who offended me and therefore they ought to be the ones to initiate an apology! I’m here when they are ready!” Is this what Jesus would have you do? No. He said,

“…go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matt 18:15).

And we are to “reason frankly.” This means that our temperaments ought to be kept in check. Don’t overreact and do not involve any other persons at this level. I’ve learned that many offenses arise from simple misunderstandings and the feud dies at the first attempt of reconciliation because the offending party may not have known know they offended you and often times are willing to apologize, but it largely depends on your approach. You are most likely to agitate the situation by approaching the accused with an air of superiority. Don’t come to the accused conveying an attitude that you know for certain they intentionally offended you and that you have in their absence pronounced a guilty verdict, but are willing to pardon them if they simply say they are sorry. This approach is most unwise. The Bible says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). So don’t be stupid and haughty. Hear them out and be humble. Otherwise you are a Pharisee condemning the innocent (Matt12:7, John 7:50-52)

Here’s another question to ask. Why did your neighbor sin against you in the first place? Remember that Jesus aims at reconciliation and at this level he encourages those efforts to be kept privately, but I do not believe that it is beyond the scope of Jesus’ command that the efforts be kept private not only to protect the character and reputation of the accused party (who may actually turn to be innocent) and save them unwarranted embarrassment through gossip and other means. Jesus may be encouraging you to “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” because in that process you may discover that you too have sinned against your neighbor and he in response has lashed back. Though I think that the scripture presuppose our innocence I do not think the situation described is impossible.

To be continued