Denying self, loving others and its impossibility Part 1

“If you asked twenty good men to-day what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love. The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire.” C.S. Lewis

Imagine this scene. I come home with an attitude of pride and accomplishment and say to my wife,

“Letty, I denied myself today. I came across a most tempting opportunity to ‘gratify the desires of the flesh’ (Gal 5:16), but know that I mustered up enough will power and successfully deprived myself of a most opportune sexual exploit. I am not denying I did not want to. You should’ve seen the woman in question. It was all so very tempting. Aren’t you happy I denied myself for you?”

It’s probably at this point that I’d probably black out from a most well deserved smack on the face. But why aren’t women happy with only our restraint? Why the need to go deeper and demand all of us? Of course there is an answer to this question and I hope that it becomes apparent throughout this note. You see, when two people vow to love each other in holy matrimony they promise to do so as long as they both shall live and by that they mean they commit the entirety of their persons to each other. They should understand that they are committing to loving each other with all of their heart, soul and mind. Anything less is not a full commitment and unworthy of the marriage covenant, but imagine the groom emphasizing during the vow exchange the commitment to not commit adultery. Imagine him saying to his bride to be and in the presence of all witnesses, “I promise to deny myself of other women while we are married regardless of how luring and enticing (James 1:14) they or the opportunity may present itself. It’s going to be very hard considering my sinful passions that are so easily aroused (Rom 7:5; Col 3:5).” That would be awkward to say the least wouldn’t it? The promise is to love and it encompasses that he will indeed not commit adultery. Not committing adultery isn’t the goal. It is simply the by-product of the larger goal namely loving his wife. It is not praiseworthy for him to continually bring as a topic of conversation how much and how successfully he denies himself. His aim ought to be to actively and intentionally seek how he may express love for his wife whether it is in helping with household chores traditionally associated with the women’s role or in planning a night out. It isn’t hard. You get the point.

What about being given to our spouses entirely in mind, will and emotions? Is this even possible? Imagine if we would let others in to our so-called “good hearts” so that they saw everything? Imagine telling a close friend, “Sometimes when you call I hit the ignore button because I don’t feel like talking to you. I do like you, but you can really be annoying sometimes and I don’t care for your company.” We wouldn’t have many relationships if we carried ourselves in this manner. The truth of the matter is that we have all at one time or another done this very thing in our hearts. I vaguely remember the movie Liar Liar in which Jim Carey’s character was induced with a sort of spell that made him unable to lie. The spell forced him to utter exactly what he was thinking or feeling. The problem wasn’t the truth per se, but what the truth revealed about his character and integrity or lack thereof. His ugly heart was on display for all to see. The window to his soul had been opened by way of his mouth. This is what the Bible means when it says, “Their throat is an open grave” (Rom 3:13a). By speaking, our mouths reveal the contents of what is in us in the same way an open grave reveals its contents namely “dead people’s bones and all uncleanness” (Matt 23:27). The reason some people can’t speak life or any other good thing is because they themselves are devoid of life and goodness. Jesus said, “what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart” (Matt 15:18). The heart refers not to a special compartment of the soul, but the heart in biblical thought refers to the core of the person. It is out of this core i.e. “out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matt 15:19). We are essentially evil. This is why we don’t always say precisely what we are thinking or feeling. We don’t want to be the true-life version of Liar Liar.

Even as born-again persons we find that even on a good day our feelings and desires are at odds with God’s Spirit (Gal 5:17). Our flesh is set against him and we care little for his word (the Bible) and his beloved people (the church) or even people who, though they may be alienated from Him because of unbelief (John 3:18), must still be afforded dignity and respect (John 3:16) because they carry God’s image (James 3:9) by virtue of creation. What then is the cure for all of this? What about self-denial and its relationship to love? I’ll seek to answer this in more detail in the next related post.